Drama: GOD HATES THE GAYS (and Other Daily Affirmations)

by Xander Browne

“People are mostly layers of violence and tenderness wrapped like bulbs, and it is difficult to say what makes them onions or hyacinths.” 

– Eudora Welty

Character List

MONIQUE – Awkward, sardonic, and at times misanthropic. A reformed lesbian who just wants to do the right thing. Tonight, though, she’s trying something new.

HYACINTH – Bombastic, witty, and fully self-actualized. A proud exhibitionist trying to get MONIQUE to let loose for the night. She wants an uncomplicated life.

EVAN – Basic, boring, and misogynistic. A beta-male who deeply fetishizes alpha status, and is the kind of person who obsesses over such labels. He wants to feel valuable.

JARED – Vapid, hunky, and grating. A man who has worked very, very hard to embody a sort of Jersey Shore hotness, which he thinks makes him a blessing to the world. He wants worshippers.

EUGENE – Apathetic, sassy, and straightforward. A young sex worker with a thriving clientele of closeted men. He wants the money, with as little hassle as possible.

JOHN – Amoral, hypocritical, and blasé. A hot priest trying to game the system. He wants the stature of priesthood and none of the scripture.



(MONIQUE sits slouched at the bar, looking out at the sweaty bodies of a hip crowd grooving to a live jazz band playing a cover of Herbie Hancock’s “Spider”. Normally she would be up and dancing, but tonight is about finding a different kind of fun. She slurps through a straw at the bottom of a nearly empty rum and coke, or rather just a bit of rum because she’s not trying to go crazy tonight and was just wondering if she could get a little discount because there isn’t too much rum but it’s okay, that would be a stupid thing to ask a bartender and it’s just seven dollars – Really? Seven? Maybe a discount wouldn’t be ludicrous…) 

EVAN: (to MONIQUE) Jeez…  Man…  Don’t you just… 

(EVAN steps closer to MONIQUE so that he is standing uncomfortably close to her.)

MONIQUE: Sorry, what?

EVAN: (Louder) Oh, I was just saying… 

MONIQUE: I can hear you, sorry, it’s just that you aren’t really enunciating all…  (Slurp) Sorry, um, you can, uh, go ahead… (Slurp)

EVAN: …Don’t you just hate jazz?

(MONIQUE chokes on an ice cube and coughs.)

EVAN: Whoa now, okay, stay calm, don’t worry, I know the Heimlich, just relax your diaphragm and I’ll get my arms through here and… 

MONIQUE: No, no, no, I’m okay, I just-

(EVAN wraps his arms around MONIQUE’s ribcage and squeezes, hard.  MONIQUE retches.)

MONIQUE: Hoo boy –

EVAN: I’ve done it a million times, don’t be embarrassed.  One time one of my bros, er… one of my friends got a chunk of lamb stuck down there… 

MONIQUE: I think I had a, um, a piece of ice, like, just sort of rocket up the straw and I had my throat just sort of open, so… 

EVAN: Good technique.


EVAN: Drinking technique, drinking technique, oh god, not like sucking on a, sucking on a…

MONIQUE: I get it.

EVAN: On a penis.  That’s not what I meant at all.

(Across the bar, we hear a voice call out “Rachel! Rachel! Get over here, Rachel!”)

MONIQUE: Oh, oh, I think that’s my friend, I gotta go see her, sorry… 

EVAN: Aha, so your name’s Rachel. I believe that’s Hebrew for innocent lamb.

MONIQUE: Yep, yep, or no actually, but I gotta go see her so –

EVAN: Could I get your –

(HYACINTH crosses the dance floor, shoving people out of the way and yelling MONIQUE’s name as she goes.)

HYACINTH: Monique!  Monique!  Yes, you!  Who else would I be talking to, you dirty hooker?  We call each other that, it’s like our thing… Monique! Don’t ignore me just so you can chase another hot piece of ass, you insatiable cockmongering megaslut!

EVAN: I think you have the wrong person, that’s Rachel. 

MONIQUE: Please stop yelling, Hyacinth. I’m here.

(HYACINTH stands on MONIQUE’s right, staring at EVAN who is on MONIQUE’s left.)

HYACINTH: Monique you have to introduce me to your new beau! So handsome.

EVAN: Your name’s Monique?

HYACINTH: And mine’s Hyacinth like the flowers, the pretty ones. 

MONIQUE: Well my real name is Monique, but my friends would always call me Rachel when I was little because it was easier to pronounce and we had this big joke about how I look like Rachel from The Batman. 

HYACINTH: Wow, I can’t believe you never told me about that, who woulda known… I guess some people just really, really like to lie.

MONIQUE: …But yeah that’s my name, my two names I mean. Ha ha.

EVAN: I love a woman of mystery — in fact, I’m pretty mysterious myself. Fun little tidbit: nobody really knows what I was doing the night of December 17th… 

HYACINTH: That’s SO cool!!  That sounds like a pretty big, meaty tidbit to me. 

(Silence. MONIQUE stirs her ice cubes, wishing she could disappear. EVAN stares dumbly at HYACINTH. The band finishes “Spider” and the dance floor erupts with applause. The band filters off the stage and all the club patrons mill about lazily. Some decide to move on to another club, some decide to grab a drink, and some still sit miserably at the bar.)

HYACINTH: You know, I can tie a figure eight on a munter hitch in a cherry stem.

EVAN: Isn’t that a sailor’s knot?

HYACINTH: So you’re a sailor? I love myself a seaman.

MONIQUE: She means ejaculate. She loves male ejaculate.

HYACINTH: Guilty!  Why don’t we go back to your place and I can show you how I like my ejacu-latté. (Gloating) Oh Monique, you’re looking a little green. It’s not very attractive, I have to say. Right, sailor?

EVAN: She’s just kind of pink… 

MONIQUE: We kissed, Hyacinth, we kissed! It meant nothing to me, it meant nothing to him I’m pretty sure, I think so, and I’ve told you I’m sorry, like, I’ve said it again and again and at this point I don’t know what else I can do, what I can do to… Because you know, Hyacinth, you know that our friendship and your relationship with him too, they’re stronger, you know, they can stand a little kiss… 

EVAN: You have a, um, a boyfriend?

HYACINTH: No, no God no, we’ve just been kind of hooking up for a while and we’re keeping things kind of physically open but emotionally we’re more committed, you know?

MONIQUE: Yeah, of course… 

EVAN: No offense, but that sounds like a bunch of bullshit. You like someone, you get up the balls to make it a real relationship, right, Rachel? Or Monique?

MONIQUE: Well I don’t know about balls, it’s not quite so simple — Why are you asking me?? 

HYACINTH: You two go together like puzzle pieces, like diarrhea and, and — and bloody URINE.  

(HYACINTH pushes MONIQUE’s empty cup off the table. It hits the ground and shatters. HYACINTH stalks off to the other side of the club to angrily dance so that MONIQUE can see how much fun she can have without her.)

EVAN: Why’d you kiss her boyfriend?  That’s kind of a slut move.

MONIQUE: I didn’t kiss her boyfriend, I, I… 

EVAN: Oh cool, so she’s just being a bitch?

MONIQUE: Yyyyyyyyyyyyyeah no… she’s just dealing with a lot right now, her consistent hook up is really not there for her a whole lot –

(JARED has quietly appeared on MONIQUE’s right and slimily places his hand on her shoulder.)

JARED: Speaking of consistent hook ups… 

MONIQUE: AH! get your hand off my –

(MONIQUE jumps up and accidentally smacks JARED’s drink out of his hand.  It shatters on the ground, next to MONIQUE’s old glass.)

EVAN: Oh, are you alright?? Anything break?

MONIQUE: Yeah, no duh, Evan –

JARED: I got this one, bud, we got this one.

EVAN: Who the fuck are you?

JARED: Jared Hamstead, DDS. The D stands for dentist.

(Beat. JARED’s voice is horribly suave, like William Shatner, but somehow douchier.)

EVAN: (Enamored, quiet) I bet the second D stands for Dick.

JARED: Uhhhh, I think… 

EVAN: (Aggressive) Dicksucker. (Quiet) The S stands for sucker. Dentist DickSucker.

JARED: It looks like you’ve drank quite a bit tonight, bud, need to use the bathroom?

EVAN: I’ll be right back, Monique, just a quick piss, gotta piss… 

(EVAN hurriedly shuffles to the bathroom, shattered by how quickly his heterosexuality crumbled.)

JARED: Looks like your shoes might stain.

MONIQUE: It’s okay, it was just Coke and these are my clogs, so… 

JARED: Oh, you don’t drink?

MONIQUE: Well there was some rum in it, but not too much… 


MONIQUE: …It’s seven dollars, did you know that?  Seven dollars for a rum and coke.  The bartender gave me a little discount ‘cause I’m not looking to go crazy tonight, like, no need to turn up on a Thursday.

JARED: It’s Friday, sweetie.


JARED: I suppose you could use more of this, then.

(JARED slides his drink over to MONIQUE.)

MONIQUE: Oh, oh, is that just… 

JARED: Straight vodka, sweet pea, from me to you. I could use less and it looks like you could use much more.

MONIQUE: Yyyyikes, sounds a lil rapey. Hyacinth! Hyacinth, can I talk to you?

JARED: If you leave now you might never see me again, sweet cheeks.

MONIQUE: Oh darn, opportunity of a lifetime, ugh!  Wish I could — really… it seems like something I couldn’t miss… but…

(MONIQUE jogs across the dance floor to HYACINTH, her clogs slapping the ground with each step. A clog jog. HYACINTH is more drunk than before; she has a bad habit of sneaking sips out of strangers’ unattended drinks.)

HYACINTH: Oh I didn’t see you there I was too busy thriving.

MONIQUE: Look, I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier.  But this guy, this dentist guy –

HYACINTH: Oh god not a dentist – 

MONIQUE: He was trying so hard, it was hilarious. 

HYACINTH: As if he ever had a chance, ha!

MONIQUE: Well, he did have a chance… 

HYACINTH: Don’t start this bullshit with me again.

MONIQUE: I swear I was into him, at least more than the first guy… 

HYACINTH: I have an idea.


HYACINTH: It’s a good one.

MONIQUE: … Okay… 

HYACINTH: Let’s kiss.

(HYACINTH leans in quickly, tongue first.)

MONIQUE: Not again! Put your tongue away. God you smell like a brewery.

HYACINTH: C’mon it’s just a friendly smooch between friends, a lil bit of mlehlehleh a lil kapeep!  KaPEEP!

MONIQUE: Stop touching me, it’s a sin, I’m not like that anymore! I’ve seen the light.

HYACINTH: Hmmmm, hm hm hm HMmmm, you don’t sound very convinced!

MONIQUE: Pastor John said repetition leads to… 

HYACINTH: Pastor John this, Pastor John that, well I think you should UNpasteurize the MILK of your sexuáltitties!!

MONIQUE: You have a boyfriend who loves you very much, Hyacinth, I don’t think you realize how much he loves you and how much you two have, and I’m sorry I got in the middle of that but I’m changing, I’m finding my, my real self with Pastor John because things like that can’t happen again, they can’t happen… 

HYACINTH: Unpasteurized milk is better for you, everybody knows that –

MONIQUE: I hurt you and I hurt him…  

HYACINTH: Pffft I can’t even remember his name, who was that guy unimportant that’s what his name was, unimportant hook up guy now gimme kissy kissy

MONIQUE: Baxter, his name is Baxter and he’s a good guy, he deserves better than what I did… 

HYACINTH: Okay, bullet point number uno: Baxter is a dog’s name. Bullet point numero two: I kissed you. If it’s anyone’s FAULT it’s mine. And bullet punto numero tres: I love you, Monique Lewis.

MONIQUE: Don’t say that, you’re drunk.

HYACINTH: I loooooove you Miss Lewis!

MONIQUE: You don’t mean it, you just need the attention, that’s what John said, Pastor John… 

HYACINTH: Awww, so you don’t love me?

MONIQUE: I don’t love you in that way because it’s unnatural and it’s not a part of God’s Plan but I do love you as I love all of God’s creatures –

HYACINTH: Well there you have it folks, you may now kiss the bride!

MONIQUE: No, I don’t – 

(HYACINTH kisses MONIQUE. It’s quick, MONIQUE quickly shoves her off.)

JARED: Looks like this night just got a little more interesting.

MONIQUE: Stop sneaking around like that!

HYACINTH: See? No biggie! You’re not dead!

JARED: You know, I was going to leave, sweetums, I thought this ship had sailed, but now I see this ship just needed to pick up another passenger. Jared Fogle, DDS.

HYACINTH: Fogle?! Like the subway guy?! The one who did that stuff to the…

JARED: No, no, just the same name.

HYACINTH: Well in that case sign me up!  I loooooove me a manly man, don’t you, Monique?  Let’s get this Nicki Minaj La Croix started! 

MONIQUE: Shut up… I mean, you should go. I’d rather stay here with Mr. Fogle. Or with Jared…  You know neither one sounds right, now… 

JARED: You know what they say, two’s company but three’s a party. Why don’t you stay around, sweetness?

MONIQUE: I’m pretty sure it’s two’s a party and three’s a crowd… 

HYACINTH: Nah it’s one’s lonely, two women is perfect, and three’s the bee’s knees… 

(EVAN pushes his way into their conversation abruptly.)

EVAN: Did someone say bees?


HYACINTH: Shit, you don’t have bees do you?

EVAN: Oh no, it’s just I was a beekeeper in Honduras during the revolution.

HYACINTH: Why would you lie about something like that?

JARED: Ladies, we’re burning moonlight. Shall I hail us a cab and get us back to my penthouse on 51st?

EVAN: Penthouse?!

JARED: Uh, yes, the 69th floor actually.

HYACINTH: Oh come on… 

MONIQUE: I’d prefer the 420th floor actually.

(MONIQUE and HYACINTH high five. HIGH five. Haha.)

EVAN: I dunno, 69 sounds good to me.

JARED: I’m sorry?

EVAN: Do you mind if I just –

JARED: Oh…  OH!  That’s my belt, and that’s my… 

EVAN: I know.


EVAN: Pee – nis.

(EVAN has undone JARED’s belt and now firmly grasps his meaty tidbits. The two stare deeply into each other’s eyes; a moment of deep connection.)

HYACINTH: WeeeEEEEELLLLL I guess we should get out of here, Monique?

MONIQUE: I don’t want to go with you, stop touching me… I’ll stay here.

HYACINTH: Because you’re clearly still in the heat of the chase with these two?

(JARED and EVAN begin aggressively making out.)

MONIQUE: Umm… I’m sure there are other good heterosexual men in this bar that I haven’t –

EVAN: What, you don’t want to see the penthouse?

JARED: The cab has three seats in the backseat for a reason, sweet potato.

HYACINTH: WOOOOW what a turn! Congratulations, Monique! You’re a real heterosexual now!  See you when I see you!

(HYACINTH gives MONIQUE a spiteful grin and disappears into the now growing crowd on the dance floor.)

MONIQUE: Uh, I guess I could come along… 

JARED: That’s the spirit… 

EVAN: You get the best of both worlds.

MONIQUE: But um, it’s just that… 


MONIQUE: It’s just that, uhhh… 

EVAN: Yes?

MONIQUE: It’s just that, um, homosexuality is a, uh, a sin, so if maybe you could each just focus on me, I think, I think that would make it okay I guess, if you take turns, uh… Believe me, I get it, I was a lesbian too for a while, went on dates, uh, did lots of, of things, lots of sinning with women and I know it’s fun but it’s not a part of God’s Plan for us and sexual deviants are just looking for attention so, um, so if we’re gonna have a threeway I would appreciate it if you would join me on this journey of self-improvement and resist temptation. Thank you. Amen. 

(Beat. MONIQUE is horribly embarrassed. Being a bigot is new for her and is taking some getting used to.)

JARED: I don’t think we have time to pull the aardvark out of your snatch, sweet tits.

EVAN: 69th floor?

JARED: Oh we’ll go even further, doll.

(JARED and EVAN clasp hands and fly out of the club on the wings of new love.)

MONIQUE: Goddammit…  God damns you, sodomites! Good riddance.

(MONIQUE sulks back over to the bar.)

MONIQUE: (To the bartender) Another rum and coke. Or maybe just a rum. Can I just do a rum? Thank you.

(The bartender pours her some rum. MONIQUE downs it quickly. A random DUDE approaches her.)

DUDE: Hey there, can I buy you a – 

MONIQUE: (Loudly) Don’t you just hate jazz?!

DUDE: It’s Herbie Hancock, asshole, have some fucking respect.

MONIQUE: Hahahahahahahahahaha yeah I was kidding!! Sarcasm much?

DUDE: Please stop hitting on me.

MONIQUE: Well you were going to buy me a drink and you’re wearing a wedding ring so… 

DUDE: I was gonna offer you a breath mint. Dick.

(DUDE walks away.)

MONIQUE: Adultery is a sin and so is being a little bitch so have fun burning in hell… Bitch.  

(MONIQUE sighs. The bartender sets down another rum. She downs it. A gorgeous CHICK approaches MONIQUE.)

CHICK: Hey there, wanna buy me a drink?

MONIQUE: Oh, sorry, I don’t do that anymore, I’m not… 

CHICK: No no, my bad, you’ve been staring at my rack for so long I just assumed… 

MONIQUE: Well you do have a very nice rack and I’d love to motorboat it some time but I’m trying out this new straight girl thing.

CHICK: …Oh really?

MONIQUE: I mean kind of, I’ve always considered myself kind of bi in that I could, you know, kiss a guy and sorta enjoy it…  And at this point in my life I haven’t really gotten anywhere with women, in fact it’s been pretty actively bad, like it’s hurt me I think… 

CHICK: Aww, you poor thing, I can make it all better if you want… 

MONIQUE: Like my friend Hyacinth, she’s mostly dating this guy and they really do love each other but sometimes she needs attention or she needs affection or I dunno, she just needs something so she likes to pretend she loves me or whatever, like she’ll kiss me or slap my ass and I guess I like it. Well, I know I like it because she’s actually kind of hot and I can’t ignore how I love her and everything. I always have and I guess I always knew that would be an issue since I knew Baxter first, but it’s easy to ignore when she makes you feel so good, you know?

(A voice in the distant calls out: “Rachel! Rachel come over here!”)

CHICK: Oh, that’s my friend, I have to go talk to her… 

MONIQUE: She just doesn’t get that when she does stupid shit that it means something real to me…  Or maybe she does get it, who knows.  Either way, I’m just trying to focus on the hetero side of myself so I started going to church and Pastor John has been really helpful in showing me how beneficial it is to live a deliberate life where I make MY choices, you know?

CHICK: Wait, are you a Scientologist, too?

MONIQUE: I’m just babbling, Hyacinth isn’t gonna know how to get home, she’s drunk off her ass –

CHICK: You should stop by our temple, it’s right across the street from the Richard Roger’s theater… 

MONIQUE: You’re just drinking water, I hope? I heard Xenu doesn’t really support debauchery. Nice talking, we should totally hang out again some time!

CHICK: You repressed types are no fun.

MONIQUE: Oh I’m not repressed, I’m just…

CHICK: Whatever you say, Miss Winfrey.

(CHICK walks away. MONIQUE stares longingly after her.)

MONIQUE: Such a quality rack…  

(MONIQUE gets up slowly and walks out of the club and onto the street. It’s late. MONIQUE takes a deep breath and stares at the sky. After a moment of introspection, she hears HYACINTH in the alleyway next to the club talking to a disheveled young man.)

HYACINTH: And ahora tengo punto numero tres: I love you, Eugene Harnbolt.

EUGENE: That means a lot, Hyacinth, I never thought… 

MONIQUE: Hyacinth!! You NEVER talk to homeless people, Hyacinth, put your money away!!

HYACINTH: She’s back! The wicked witch returns from the graaaaave!

EUGENE: You NEVER talk to fat lesbians, Hyacinth!


EUGENE: Doesn’t feel so good, does it? Judgemental bitch.

MONIQUE: Well, you got it pretty spot on, actually.

EUGENE: Oh, oh I’m sorry, hun, you’re not fat, I didn’t mean it like… 

MONIQUE: No I’m fat, that’s all good, I was more trying to not give off the lesbian vibes tonight, that’s the only bit that kind of hurts… 

EUGENE: … And I was trying not to give off homeless vibes tonight, or really ever, so… 

MONIQUE: I’m sorry, that one’s on me… 

HYACINTH: He’s actually a woman of the night, Monique, if you must know.

EUGENE: Man, still a man… 

HYACINTH: So pretty useless for you, babe.

MONIQUE: Wait, so like a prostitute? You’re a hooker??

EUGENE: It’s not 1972 anymore. I’m an escort. 

MONIQUE: Oh cool, that’s awesome, that’s great! I’m actually trying to get a little variety in my, uh, life, um, are you free, like, tonight?  Are you free tonight?

HYACINTH: Boooold moooove.

EUGENE: Aww, thanks that’s very flattering, but I was actually just waiting for this guy to come back from the ATM before Hyacinth here caught me.

HYACINTH: So close, Monique, so close.

(PASTOR JOHN rounds the corner of the alleyway, counting money in his hand. He is dressed like your typical New York circuit gay, with neon short shorts, a tight-fitting crop top, and ecstasy pumping through his veins.)

JOHN: Most I could swing was $250, so I guess I’ll just do, like, three hours… 

MONIQUE: Oh dear Jesus Christ.

JOHN: Do not use the Lord’s name in — oh, holy fuck.

HYACINTH: A man for men of the night, how 21st century. Good for you, Eugene, I’m so proud.

MONIQUE: Hyacinth, this is Pastor John.

EUGENE: He did ask for no names, if you could lower your voice… 

HYACINTH: O M G I’ve prepared a piece just for this moment…  Ahem… 

JOHN: Well I’ll see you on Sunday, Monique, great bumping into you – 

(JOHN tries to drag EUGENE out of the alley with him.)

MONIQUE: You’re not going anywhere!


MONIQUE: I deserve answers!

JOHN: We’ll talk about this at confession, Monique.

MONIQUE: We talk about MY problems at confession, not yours!

JOHN: Maybe we’ll spice it up a little!

MONIQUE: Hyacinth can you PLEASE… 

EUGENE: I’m not dealing with this, I’m out – 

JOHN: No, wait!  I’ll come with you.

MONIQUE: If you’re going with him I’M coming too!

EUGENE: Sorry, I don’t do women but I do have a friend who… 

JOHN: And she doesn’t do men, so don’t worry.

MONIQUE: Yes I do!  I do do men!

JOHN: Oh sure, of COURSE you do, and I’m a devout man of the Lord.

MONIQUE: You’re the one who convinced me that… 

JOHN: I’m a shitty priest, Monique, everyone knows that, even my own mother.

EUGENE: Mommy issues, great.

MONIQUE: You helped me, that’s something. 

JOHN: You don’t sound very convinced.

MONIQUE: Well I will be helped, like I’ll get there –

EUGENE: I’m gonna head out, sorry.

JOHN: Yeah, yeah we’re gonna head out.

MONIQUE: We’ll continue this conversation on Sunday, Father.

JOHN: Don’t, just… you shouldn’t come. I’m tryna keep the vibes down there light and positive and you’re just gonna fuck it up. Sorry.

(JOHN pulls EUGENE out of the alley and they begin walking quickly down the street.)

EUGENE: You really aren’t a very good priest.

JOHN: You get to live in a little house next to the church. Free rent in Manhattan is nothing to laugh at.

(EUGENE and JOHN disappear into the night. HYACINTH and MONIQUE are left alone in the alley.  MONIQUE plops down on top of a pile of trash. HYACINTH sits next to her.)

HYACINTH: That’s…tough. 

MONIQUE: … Did you know I would get baked before church every week when I was in high school?

HYACINTH: I thought you didn’t smoke?

MONIQUE: Maybe I should start again.

HYACINTH: You have been pretty (burp) high strung lately.

MONIQUE: Says you.

HYACINTH: Yeah but high strung is like my thing, y’know, like, there goes Hyacinth again!  I’m really good at that.

MONIQUE: You did call me a cockmongering slut earlier.

HYACINTH: Exactly!  You would never say that, you’re too pure. And pretty.

MONIQUE: Thanks…  Let’s get home, ‘kay?

HYACINTH: What ever happened to the threeway with Subway guy? You don’t wanna go home with them?

MONIQUE: They had other plans… And besides, I met this really cool Scientologist girl who would be a much better bad decision tonight.

HYACINTH: Does this mean we can stop going to straight bars?! Gay bars are sooooo much more fun and I already got my guy. Most nights I just need some really jacked dudes to compliment me on my eyeliner, anyway… 

MONIQUE: We’ll see, I’m not giving up… But we’ll see.

HYACINTH: Let’s get the scientist girl and… 

MONIQUE: No, no. I was kidding. Let’s just get you home, you’re a mess.

HYACINTH: Oh thank god, she probably wouldn’t like that you’re covered in puke anyway.

MONIQUE: What do you –

(HYACINTH pukes into MONIQUE’s lap.)

MONIQUE: What a fucking night…

(MONIQUE stands, shaking as much of the puke off herself as she can. She helps HYACINTH up. They look at each other for a second, MONIQUE full of gratitude, HYACINTH blankly. Then MONIQUE begins walking her home, slowly but steadily.)

HYACINTH: Did you know I tried to punch the bouncer when he didn’t let me back in?

MONIQUE: I did not… 

HYACINTH: Yeah he was being a lil dick so I tried to punch him and he threw me out. But everyone was laughing at him anyway…

MONIQUE: Oh good, he sounds terrible.

(They walk in silence a while. The only sounds are HYACINTH’s heels clicking irregularly and MONIQUE’s clogs steadily clogging.)

HYACINTH: (A moment of sober clarity) Gimme a kiss?

(MONIQUE turns to HYACINTH and kisses her gently.)

MONIQUE: Let’s get your heels off, hm?